Thursday, June 16, 2011

A new sense of loss

Infertility is an interesting trial.
For a few years now I have had great peace concerning my infertility.   I know my heart has been healed.   What I didn't realize was that there would be a new experience with infertility that I must I once thought would be a huge relief.
I had no idea how I would feel when it was time to close the door on family building.

I figured Spencer was my last baby so I have spent hours holding him, snuggling him, smelling him and just soaking in all his babyness.   I guess I thought if I did an extra amount of baby loving I would be ok to be done with infant hood.   I was so wrong on so many levels!   I have loved mothering babies....I mean really loved it!   I have had the incredible privilege of mother 6 infants.....4 of my own and 2 foster babies.   Three of those infants I mothered within 18 month period.   My body has some lasting effects from taking care of newborns for 2 years straight with only 1 to 2 months break in between.   To do another newborn would probably be extremely difficult on my body and yet there are moments I long to hold another infant and mother them.   

Brad shared with me a few months ago that he feels our family is complete.   Brad has prayed about it and gone to the Temple and feels really good about this decision.   I don't feel so sure.    But I haven't done the work Brad has for an answer.   However this week I am feeling like Brad is correct and our family is complete.   I have made the decision to not renew our foster license.   I have gone to the Lord in prayer on this matter and so far I feel peaceful about it.  I see the wisdom in "being done".   I often think I wish I wasn't 37....I wish I was younger and could physically handle a couple more infants.   If only I could have had my first child come to my arms earlier......if only.     But then I remember the Lord has a plan for me and my family.   His ways are not my ways  and His ways are much better than mine.    So as I face this new experience I am going to rely on my testimony that the Lord is in the control and will guide my steps.   I know He will help me close this door and He will bring peace once again to my heart.
I am counting on it.