My depiction of what my pain felt like in my head...at my lowest point.
I have been pondering the posting of this topic for a long time.
recently I have had strong feelings about it.
I want you to understand this is MY belief from MY own experiences.
You don’t have to like or agree with me.
I do ask you to respect my thoughts.
When we first started the adoption process we went through a series of classes. One of the classes was on the topic of infertility. It was a wonderful class and I learned so much and felt so validated as I walked out. But that was also the first time I heard the words “you don’t really heal from your infertility grief….you just learn to accept it”. I want to exclaim to the world that in my opinion this is not true. I believe that healing is possible!
Why do I believe this???
In Luke chapter 8 verse 27 Christ says
“ The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”
As I open my scriptures and read through the account of Christ’s life I gain a testimony that Jesus Christ created miracles while on this earth. We also know that His miracles don’t end with His death. We witness His hand in miracles everyday.
The miracle of healing that I prayed for years ago didn’t happen. I wasn’t healed and allowed to get pregnant and be co-creator with God. It wasn’t because I didn’t have enough faith….it was because of my faith that I was able to move forward and trust in the Lord. Years later after incredible pain, sorrow, frustration and complete exaustion I began to ask for a different type of healing. But I had to do more than ask. I had to study, pray, ponder, study some more, serve others, pray and pray and pray. I also had to seek help from a professional who ended up being a key to my preparations. I had to prepare for healing….although at the time I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. It took 7 years for me to feel that my healing was complete. Healing came line upon line and not in some miraculous instant. I’m not sure when I realized what He had truly done for me....I just remember the realization came upon me.
Healing doesn’t mean I forget the pain, the loss and the misery. But healing does bring peace and understanding even if I don’t have all the answers. I am allowed to see with different eyes.
I love the section in 1 Corithians chapter 13 where Paul speaks about Charity. In verse 12 he says
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:
now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
When we look at ourselves with our natural eyes we don’t see our true selves. But when we have been given the gift of Charity we are able to see ourselves the way the Lord sees us and we are able to see clearly.
Charity is the pure love of Christ….it isn’t just about serving others….it is about seeing ourselves and others through the eyes of the Lord. When we ask for Charity and we have prepared for that gift and then the gift is given to us it can fill up those hurting places. It takes the fear and the pain and replaces it with love. As we continue to do the will of the Lord He will continue to bless us with incredible healing until we look back and see what He did for us. I know this is true because it has happened to me and I will never be the same. I have come to see that the Lord is pleased with my journey through the trial of infertility.
Infertility is no longer a trial but an “old friend” and while this friend stays with me the pain doesn’t. It was once a daily struggle to exist with sorrow and hurt taking over almost every thought throughout my day. I now have peace, sweet peace. I don’t quite know how to describe the difference in my life but it has changed everything.
I share these deeply personal thoughts with you in hopes that you will come to know this kind of healing in your life. No matter what anyone teaches us about infertility and healing….the Lord has his own ways and He gives us the best gifts! Prepare yourself by studying about charity, reading scriptures, reading from the latter day Prophets and Apostles, praying, and seeking help if you need it. Then when you feel prepared, go to your Heavenly Father and ask that your pain be replaced with Charity. While it may not happen that instant, it will happen and your heart will never be the same.
Enjoying Motherhood with a peaceful heart.
At last.
