Monday, May 26, 2008

Words from Pain.

I start this post off by sharing one of my most favorite poems written by President Spencer W. Kimball. I do this to help anyone who reads the rest of the post understand that my writings were written during alot of pain. I hope by my sharing it helps another woman like me.

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me any more."
I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way."
And paused there, startled as the look he wore,
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher---all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise,
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song---
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written By,
Spencer W. Kimball


A Letter to All Fertile Women

I have a few thoughts to share with you that come from deep inside my heart. These feelings come from years of heartache and pain.....a grief or feeling of loss that I never knew could hurt so much. These feelings are not easy for me to deal with so I imagine they won’t be easy for you to read. As you read these words just remember they don’t come from a hateful place. I am so happy for you....that you do not have infertility as your trial in life and I realize you have your own burdens to bear. My reason for writing this letter is to help clear my mind and heart of some grief and in the process I hope it helps you, the reader, have some understanding of an infertile woman’s experience.

Dear Fertile Friend,
Did you know how wonderful it is to be able to be pregnant? What an exciting time.... to discover you have a precious life growing inside of you! Sometimes as I listen to you talk about your first weeks of pregnancy I wonder if you realize how wonderful pregnancy is. Did you know how wonderful it is to be able to be sick for 3 months?? Did you know that women like me would love to experience your illness??

Did you pay extra close attention to the first wiggles of your baby? Did it imprint upon your mind as a lasting precious memory? Did you know that women like me long to feel that tiny ripple?

As your body changes and your tummy gets bigger are you complaining about getting fat, feeling uncomfortable and ready to get it over with? Are you so busy comparing size of bellies with your “friends” that you don’t notice how fast your baby is growing? Did you know that women like me look at your pronounced belly and dream of what it would be like? Did you know that your belly becomes a reminder of what cannot be for us? As you work for attention by complaining about all your woes did you know our hearts are aching and when you aren’t looking we are wiping tears from our cheeks and trying to understand why?

As you are cheered on through delivery and as everyone is at awe of your birthing skills did you know we put on a happy face to wish you well and congratulate you? Did you know that it takes all our courage plus help from above to not run from your hospital room in tears? And yet as we are concentrating on being courageous and trying to just get through the moment we are looking all around us and seeing you experience something that we never can. We feel empty and sad as we see the babies in the nursery and see your little wrist bands that have matching information so all will know that your baby is just that....Yours....the emptiness grows and the longing to have the experience increases.

As you hold your baby for the first time and kiss her do you truly know how blessed you are? Women like me know! We long and ache to have what you have just experienced! You know you are expecting when you get a “+” sign. You know your baby is alive as you feel movement. You are the first to feel, smell, love, hold and kiss your infant and you are able to nourish her from your own body! No one questions you on your motherhood....they saw your physical experience therefore you are deemed a “Real Mother”. Family and friends anxiously ask you how you are doing and are there to celebrate in your “announcement of gender”. At Christmas time your unborn gift is given their own stocking to be hung up with the rest of the family’s. You are treated gently by your husband who is eager to rub your feet or bring dinner to you. You are given a tender “Thank you” after you delivered your precious baby.....and your loving husband gets to brag about his strong and valiant wife.

Women like me don’t get to have any of these next time you feel like telling us we have it the “easy way” remember....You don’t know women like me!

Written from the heart,
Brenda S. Horrocks


The Jars said...

Brenda, a friend just sent me your link and I have been reading your blog. I think it is a treasure! A treasure and blessing to have someone verbalize my exact feelings. Your family is beautiful!

My husband and I have been married over 6 years and I (AM) in waiting.... we are in the adoption process through LDS and we are so excited to become parents. Adoption is quite the rollercoaster, but what a beautiful option. I too have PCOS and feel so thankful for your beautiful words. Thanks you!


Hev said...

WOW!! You are so inspiring!! thank you and I'm glad I found you through The R house. I was wondering if it would be ok if I posted the I love AM on my blog!! I love the message. My husband and I have finally been blessed to adopt a baby girl in February. We had been waiting almost 7 years. Please let me know if it is ok If I post that on my private blog. Thanks! :)

Ashley said...

I would have loved to breast feed my daughter. If I'm able to have a biological child, I will give it my best shot. Unfortunately, adoptive, lactating moms take a risk when they begin trying to produce milk for a baby who is only theirs in theory. I must admit, I didn't want to go through the physical pain of drying up along with the pain of empty arms at the same time.

Oh yeah, and the diabetic medication I was on wouldn't have helped either. Yet people still told me it was selfish to put my health before my child.

Mary (MEM) said...

Sometimes when I hear pregnant women complaining about heartburn or morning sickness I just have to smile on the outside but on the inside I'm screaming, "What I wouldn't give to be sick and pregnant- BRING IT ON!"

Mike and Risa said...

Brenda - that was beautiful. It's amazing how seeing that others feel the same way I do can help me heal a little. You are so amazing and strong to post your feelings for the benefit of others (and yourself :) ). Thank you for your strength.

Courtney said...

i came across your blog. I love it. I hope you can continue with it. this letter is so inspirational. It truly does tell how women like us feel. It touched my heart and I would love to share it with others.

Brenda said...

Everyones comments have really touched me. I wish I would have known all of you when I was going through the really dark times.
Thank you for being so respectful and sweet!

Courtney you are free to share the writing with others. Because they are personal writings please don't change anything on them and please leave my name as the writer/creator. Thank you so much! :) I hope it helps someone.

Whitney said...

Wow thank you so much. I wish everyone could read this. Thanks so much for sharing.