Infertility & Healing.

 My depiction of what my pain felt like in my head...at my lowest point.

I have been pondering the posting of this topic for a long time.

recently I have had strong feelings about it.

I want you to understand this is MY belief from MY own experiences.

You don’t have to like or agree with me.

I do ask you to respect my thoughts.

When we first started the adoption process we went through a series of classes. One of the classes was on the topic of infertility. It was a wonderful class and I learned so much and felt so validated as I walked out. But that was also the first time I heard the words “you don’t really heal from your infertility grief….you just learn to accept it”. I want to exclaim to the world that in my opinion this is not true. I believe that healing is possible!

Why do I believe this???

In Luke chapter 8 verse 27 Christ says

“ The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”

As I open my scriptures and read through the account of Christ’s life I gain a testimony that Jesus Christ created miracles while on this earth. We also know that His miracles don’t end with His death. We witness His hand in miracles everyday.

The miracle of healing that I prayed for years ago didn’t happen. I wasn’t healed and allowed to get pregnant and be co-creator with God. It wasn’t because I didn’t have enough faith….it was because of my faith that I was able to move forward and trust in the Lord. Years later after incredible pain, sorrow, frustration and complete exaustion I began to ask for a different type of healing. But I had to do more than ask. I had to study, pray, ponder, study some more, serve others, pray and pray and pray. I also had to seek help from a professional who ended up being a key to my preparations. I had to prepare for healing….although at the time I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. It took 7 years for me to feel that my healing was complete. Healing came line upon line and not in some miraculous instant. I’m not sure when I realized what He had truly done for me....I just remember the realization came upon me.

Healing doesn’t mean I forget the pain, the loss and the misery. But healing does bring peace and understanding even if I don’t have all the answers. I am allowed to see with different eyes.

I love the section in 1 Corithians chapter 13 where Paul speaks about Charity. In verse 12 he says

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:

now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

When we look at ourselves with our natural eyes we don’t see our true selves. But when we have been given the gift of Charity we are able to see ourselves the way the Lord sees us and we are able to see clearly.

Charity is the pure love of Christ….it isn’t just about serving others….it is about seeing ourselves and others through the eyes of the Lord. When we ask for Charity and we have prepared for that gift and then the gift is given to us it can fill up those hurting places. It takes the fear and the pain and replaces it with love. As we continue to do the will of the Lord He will continue to bless us with incredible healing until we look back and see what He did for us. I know this is true because it has happened to me and I will never be the same. I have come to see that the Lord is pleased with my journey through the trial of infertility.

Infertility is no longer a trial but an “old friend” and while this friend stays with me the pain doesn’t. It was once a daily struggle to exist with sorrow and hurt taking over almost every thought throughout my day. I now have peace, sweet peace. I don’t quite know how to describe the difference in my life but it has changed everything.

I share these deeply personal thoughts with you in hopes that you will come to know this kind of healing in your life. No matter what anyone teaches us about infertility and healing….the Lord has his own ways and He gives us the best gifts! Prepare yourself by studying about charity, reading scriptures, reading from the latter day Prophets and Apostles, praying, and seeking help if you need it. Then when you feel prepared, go to your Heavenly Father and ask that your pain be replaced with Charity. While it may not happen that instant, it will happen and your heart will never be the same.

Enjoying Motherhood with a peaceful heart.

At last.

Miracles

image from Willow Tree website

I am sitting up late tonight preparing my Primary lesson for tomorrow.
The lesson is on Miracles and uses the story of Jesus healing the man who was blind from birth (John 9).
The lesson touches my heart!
While I haven't even had blindness as my challenge in life I can relate to the feelings of something with a disability.  
I know pain and sorrow.
They have been two of my greatest teachers.
In this lesson it has a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball.
He says: 
"Should all prayers be immediately answered...there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood" 
(Faith precedes the Miracle, page 97)

As I said before I know pain and sorrow and many other teachers....but I have come to know joy, happiness, peace and more peace, healing, incredible love and the knowledge that I am Heavenly Fathers daughter and He loves me and wants to give me all the will bring me joy and be what is best for me.
If I hadn't known those "teachers" I would never have gotten to the best part!

If you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and wonder if your dreams of parenthood will ever come true...hang on a little long, keep praying and follow the promptings that come.
Heavenly Father loves you and wants to give you all that He has.....sometimes we just have to get through a few things first.
I hope those few things are quick and you are blessed with the desires of your heart!
Miracles happen....yours is coming!

Creating

I had an interesting experience a couple of weeks ago as I was making a craft for a local contest.  I was taking a wooden box and decorating it...making it into a valentines day box for my children's valentines books.  After I was all done (took me about 6 hours) I was able to step back and look at what I had created.   While isn't the most amazing thing ever... I felt so good about what I had made.   I had a huge sense of accomplishment and couldn't wait to show someone.    I can't explain the feeling I felt inside...not sure how to.   But then as I was feeling this great sense of accomplishment I wondered if that is a little bit of what women feel when they give birth to a baby they helped create.    I am sure it is an amazing feeling to know you created this little beautiful person.   I am sure it is 100 times the feeling I felt over my little box.   For a moment I wished I could feel that feeling..
but I know I can't...

so life goes on.  
I got on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to create.

The Good News about the Bad Shape.

Over the summer I was told I had fibroid tumors and a large cyst on my only ovary I have left.   I thought we were looking at a complete hysterectomy.   A few weeks ago I got some  great news.....what the radiologist saw was normal.  At least normal for me.   My uterus is misshaped...it is like a heart rather than an upside down triangle.   So when the radiologist thought he saw fibroids he was really looking at the "normal" me (if there is such a think).    I don't have a large cyst on my ovary...rather my ovary is large which is completely normal for a woman with PCOS like me.   So the great news is that I don't have to have surgery because the bad shape of things are just part of being Brenda with PCOS.   Gotta love seeing on a screen just how messed up you are but know that it is the kinda of messed up that is normal.  

LOL 

 There is something wrong with that isn't there????

Speaking of bad shape....for those who understand pcos you understand the weight battle.  I seem to be losing that battle right now but I haven't given up hope!   I am heavier than I have ever been in my whole life but I know I can change this part of me.  I will never be a super model, miss (err I mean Mrs) America and I will probably never see my old size 5 again but I can be healthier and feel more comfortable in my own skin.   I am starting a new "segment" (or whatever you wish to call it) to my Small Adventures blog.   It will be every Tuesday and will be called "I Count".   If you are working your way back to health I hope you will come and visit every Tuesday so we can support one another.

The great thing about being me right now is that I like me...even in this frumpy self....I am happy!

Caring for our physical self.

In 2005 I sought out mental/emotional help.   I was completely stuck in grief...grief over being infertile and all that entails, grief over failed placements, stress over making sure I am giving all I can to my family and my children's Birth Parents, stress about keeping relationships healthy, grief over stupid things people say and just feeling so broken, alone and un=womanly.    In short...I was a complete mess and there was one day that my spirit helped me understand that what I was feeling wasn't normal....it had gone past normal.   I made the call to start the ball rolling to get help at a local LDS Family Services.   A few days later I met an incredible social worker named  Lani Taholo.   She is amazing!    I saw her for 12 sessions and went home and did homework and it changed my life.    I grew stronger emotionally and felt better than I had in a long long time.  Actually I believe I became a new ME.    The effects on my life still show today....I am a different person completely.    I am thankful for that.

What I didn't know then but do know now is that while I took care of myself emotionally I didn't understand that physically I needed attention too.   I am talking general health....vitamins, exercise and reducing stress.    I have had some interesting health issues the past year.    My body was close to going into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.   I had almost every symptoms of being very low on serotonin.   I didn't understand what was happening to me and went to many doctor appointments and even thought it could be MS.   Thankfully it wasn't.   One day I went back to my regular doctor and was praying to get correct answers....that is when I was warned that if I didn't do something to help my body now I would be heading into a worse state.    So I followed the doctors suggestions and took the meds she gave me.   I felt she was right and I felt this was the answer.   Why am I sharing this with you????   Well I want you to be aware of your body.   Stress from all the issues of building a family (when family building is more than difficult) wears on emotions, finances, marriages etc etc   but overtime (even if you aren't doing fertility treatments) the stress can wear your body down.   I never understood what stress really does to a body....but I truly get the picture now!   Even now.....months later and feeling a million times better I have to watch my stress level, my sleep numbers have to be good and I have to treat myself with kindness or I can feel it in my body.

I think I have ignored my body's needs over the years....maybe out of anger for it not working as I once wanted it to.....maybe because I was so focused on adoption that I forgot to check in with my body.   I don't really know why.....but I do know that I want to be well for a long time so I can take care of my little family and enjoy them as long as possible.   Putting my Faith and Family first means taking care of me too! 

Infertility is hard in every way.   Adoption is rewarding but not without its difficulties and tough issues.   Loss hurts our soul and hearts....and it eats at our bodies in ways we probably never will understand completely.

Be kind to yourself, think positive, feed your mind and heart with positive thoughts, feed your soul living water and don't forget to feed and care for your physical self.

Really??? More Reproductive Issues?

Wow it has been months since I have written on this blog.  Sorry...been so busy with my new little guy.  I kept thinking of a few things I wanted to post but didn't get it done.   I didn't mean to abandon my little blog.  :)

Today I got some results from my RE office.   I went in for a fun annual exam and asked about a little lump in my stomach.  He felt it was nothing to worry about.   But today I didn't get news about the lump....I found out I have fibroid tumors on the uterus and a fun cyst on my ovary.   It feels like the reproductive problems never stop even after you have healed from the pain of infertility and moved forward in your life.   My body is still battle the ravaging PCOS.   Today it feels unfair....I had a few moments of a pity party for myself and then remembered there are people suffering from c
ancer and horrible effects from accidents, diseases, and abuse.   I have nothing to complain about.   I am nervous but I will try to think positive and continue in Faith that all will be well with my body.    At this point it wouldn't hurt my feelings too much if they said it was ok to take it all out.   I say that and yet I think I would feel a sense of loss for a bit...I did when they removed one of my ovaries.

I know I am rambling....I just wanted to get some thoughts out and kind of talk to someone today.  
Thanks for listening!

This Womans Work