Just when you think your done with ultrasounds...

Back in 2005 when we said "Hasta Lavista" to fertility treatments I thought I had seen my last trans v. ultrasound...but I was wrong.   A few months ago I had a fun (not!) set of tests done to see if I had uterine cancer.   An ultrasound showed my lining was too thick had the doctor worried so after taking hormones to start a cycle I had another ultrasound only this time it was called a Sonohystogram.   It is a super fun test (gag, cough, puke) where they inject saline solution into your uterus.   The super fun part is when you have a titled uterus so they have to use some fun tool to bring everything to a place where the doctor can get the saline solution inside.  Once everything was in place they looked to see if there were any masses.  Thankfully there weren't any but because my lining was super thick we decided to do a biopsy just to be sure there wasn't anything growing in there.   The biopsy came back normal (sooo thankful!).   So I was sent home with orders to come back in 3 cycles to have another ultrasound to see if I had shed the lining.   Tomorrows my big day and I am hoping all is shed.  My current cycles is not looking like a promising one but I am hoping tomorrow I get a good report.  

I have to laugh at the thought that I was going to be done with ultrasounds....guess I get to forever have fun tests even though my uterus will never be home to a baby.   

Looking on the bright side...at least they have tests to help keep me healthy.   

That is a true blessing.

If you are like me and have PCOS...make sure you have a cycle each month.   

Your body will thank you for it!

A new sense of loss

Infertility is an interesting trial.
For a few years now I have had great peace concerning my infertility.   I know my heart has been healed.   What I didn't realize was that there would be a new experience with infertility that I must face...one I once thought would be a huge relief.
I had no idea how I would feel when it was time to close the door on family building.

I figured Spencer was my last baby so I have spent hours holding him, snuggling him, smelling him and just soaking in all his babyness.   I guess I thought if I did an extra amount of baby loving I would be ok to be done with infant hood.   I was so wrong on so many levels!   I have loved mothering babies....I mean really loved it!   I have had the incredible privilege of mother 6 infants.....4 of my own and 2 foster babies.   Three of those infants I mothered within 18 month period.   My body has some lasting effects from taking care of newborns for 2 years straight with only 1 to 2 months break in between.   To do another newborn would probably be extremely difficult on my body and yet there are moments I long to hold another infant and mother them.   

Brad shared with me a few months ago that he feels our family is complete.   Brad has prayed about it and gone to the Temple and feels really good about this decision.   I don't feel so sure.    But I haven't done the work Brad has for an answer.   However this week I am feeling like Brad is correct and our family is complete.   I have made the decision to not renew our foster license.   I have gone to the Lord in prayer on this matter and so far I feel peaceful about it.  I see the wisdom in "being done".   I often think I wish I wasn't 37....I wish I was younger and could physically handle a couple more infants.   If only I could have had my first child come to my arms earlier......if only.     But then I remember the Lord has a plan for me and my family.   His ways are not my ways  and His ways are much better than mine.    So as I face this new experience I am going to rely on my testimony that the Lord is in the control and will guide my steps.   I know He will help me close this door and He will bring peace once again to my heart.
I am counting on it.

Infertility & Healing.

 My depiction of what my pain felt like in my head...at my lowest point.

I have been pondering the posting of this topic for a long time.

recently I have had strong feelings about it.

I want you to understand this is MY belief from MY own experiences.

You don’t have to like or agree with me.

I do ask you to respect my thoughts.

When we first started the adoption process we went through a series of classes. One of the classes was on the topic of infertility. It was a wonderful class and I learned so much and felt so validated as I walked out. But that was also the first time I heard the words “you don’t really heal from your infertility grief….you just learn to accept it”. I want to exclaim to the world that in my opinion this is not true. I believe that healing is possible!

Why do I believe this???

In Luke chapter 8 verse 27 Christ says

“ The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”

As I open my scriptures and read through the account of Christ’s life I gain a testimony that Jesus Christ created miracles while on this earth. We also know that His miracles don’t end with His death. We witness His hand in miracles everyday.

The miracle of healing that I prayed for years ago didn’t happen. I wasn’t healed and allowed to get pregnant and be co-creator with God. It wasn’t because I didn’t have enough faith….it was because of my faith that I was able to move forward and trust in the Lord. Years later after incredible pain, sorrow, frustration and complete exaustion I began to ask for a different type of healing. But I had to do more than ask. I had to study, pray, ponder, study some more, serve others, pray and pray and pray. I also had to seek help from a professional who ended up being a key to my preparations. I had to prepare for healing….although at the time I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. It took 7 years for me to feel that my healing was complete. Healing came line upon line and not in some miraculous instant. I’m not sure when I realized what He had truly done for me....I just remember the realization came upon me.

Healing doesn’t mean I forget the pain, the loss and the misery. But healing does bring peace and understanding even if I don’t have all the answers. I am allowed to see with different eyes.

I love the section in 1 Corithians chapter 13 where Paul speaks about Charity. In verse 12 he says

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:

now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

When we look at ourselves with our natural eyes we don’t see our true selves. But when we have been given the gift of Charity we are able to see ourselves the way the Lord sees us and we are able to see clearly.

Charity is the pure love of Christ….it isn’t just about serving others….it is about seeing ourselves and others through the eyes of the Lord. When we ask for Charity and we have prepared for that gift and then the gift is given to us it can fill up those hurting places. It takes the fear and the pain and replaces it with love. As we continue to do the will of the Lord He will continue to bless us with incredible healing until we look back and see what He did for us. I know this is true because it has happened to me and I will never be the same. I have come to see that the Lord is pleased with my journey through the trial of infertility.

Infertility is no longer a trial but an “old friend” and while this friend stays with me the pain doesn’t. It was once a daily struggle to exist with sorrow and hurt taking over almost every thought throughout my day. I now have peace, sweet peace. I don’t quite know how to describe the difference in my life but it has changed everything.

I share these deeply personal thoughts with you in hopes that you will come to know this kind of healing in your life. No matter what anyone teaches us about infertility and healing….the Lord has his own ways and He gives us the best gifts! Prepare yourself by studying about charity, reading scriptures, reading from the latter day Prophets and Apostles, praying, and seeking help if you need it. Then when you feel prepared, go to your Heavenly Father and ask that your pain be replaced with Charity. While it may not happen that instant, it will happen and your heart will never be the same.

Enjoying Motherhood with a peaceful heart.

At last.

Miracles

image from Willow Tree website

I am sitting up late tonight preparing my Primary lesson for tomorrow.
The lesson is on Miracles and uses the story of Jesus healing the man who was blind from birth (John 9).
The lesson touches my heart!
While I haven't even had blindness as my challenge in life I can relate to the feelings of something with a disability.  
I know pain and sorrow.
They have been two of my greatest teachers.
In this lesson it has a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball.
He says: 
"Should all prayers be immediately answered...there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood" 
(Faith precedes the Miracle, page 97)

As I said before I know pain and sorrow and many other teachers....but I have come to know joy, happiness, peace and more peace, healing, incredible love and the knowledge that I am Heavenly Fathers daughter and He loves me and wants to give me all the will bring me joy and be what is best for me.
If I hadn't known those "teachers" I would never have gotten to the best part!

If you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and wonder if your dreams of parenthood will ever come true...hang on a little long, keep praying and follow the promptings that come.
Heavenly Father loves you and wants to give you all that He has.....sometimes we just have to get through a few things first.
I hope those few things are quick and you are blessed with the desires of your heart!
Miracles happen....yours is coming!

Creating

I had an interesting experience a couple of weeks ago as I was making a craft for a local contest.  I was taking a wooden box and decorating it...making it into a valentines day box for my children's valentines books.  After I was all done (took me about 6 hours) I was able to step back and look at what I had created.   While isn't the most amazing thing ever... I felt so good about what I had made.   I had a huge sense of accomplishment and couldn't wait to show someone.    I can't explain the feeling I felt inside...not sure how to.   But then as I was feeling this great sense of accomplishment I wondered if that is a little bit of what women feel when they give birth to a baby they helped create.    I am sure it is an amazing feeling to know you created this little beautiful person.   I am sure it is 100 times the feeling I felt over my little box.   For a moment I wished I could feel that feeling..
but I know I can't...

so life goes on.  
I got on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to create.