Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Good News about the Bad Shape.

Over the summer I was told I had fibroid tumors and a large cyst on my only ovary I have left.   I thought we were looking at a complete hysterectomy.   A few weeks ago I got some  great news.....what the radiologist saw was normal.  At least normal for me.   My uterus is is like a heart rather than an upside down triangle.   So when the radiologist thought he saw fibroids he was really looking at the "normal" me (if there is such a think).    I don't have a large cyst on my ovary...rather my ovary is large which is completely normal for a woman with PCOS like me.   So the great news is that I don't have to have surgery because the bad shape of things are just part of being Brenda with PCOS.   Gotta love seeing on a screen just how messed up you are but know that it is the kinda of messed up that is normal.  
 There is something wrong with that isn't there????

Speaking of bad shape....for those who understand pcos you understand the weight battle.  I seem to be losing that battle right now but I haven't given up hope!   I am heavier than I have ever been in my whole life but I know I can change this part of me.  I will never be a super model, miss (err I mean Mrs) America and I will probably never see my old size 5 again but I can be healthier and feel more comfortable in my own skin.   I am starting a new "segment" (or whatever you wish to call it) to my Small Adventures blog.   It will be every Tuesday and will be called "I Count".   If you are working your way back to health I hope you will come and visit every Tuesday so we can support one another.

The great thing about being me right now is that I like me...even in this frumpy self....I am happy!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Caring for our physical self.

In 2005 I sought out mental/emotional help.   I was completely stuck in grief...grief over being infertile and all that entails, grief over failed placements, stress over making sure I am giving all I can to my family and my children's Birth Parents, stress about keeping relationships healthy, grief over stupid things people say and just feeling so broken, alone and un=womanly.    In short...I was a complete mess and there was one day that my spirit helped me understand that what I was feeling wasn't had gone past normal.   I made the call to start the ball rolling to get help at a local LDS Family Services.   A few days later I met an incredible social worker named  Lani Taholo.   She is amazing!    I saw her for 12 sessions and went home and did homework and it changed my life.    I grew stronger emotionally and felt better than I had in a long long time.  Actually I believe I became a new ME.    The effects on my life still show today....I am a different person completely.    I am thankful for that.

What I didn't know then but do know now is that while I took care of myself emotionally I didn't understand that physically I needed attention too.   I am talking general health....vitamins, exercise and reducing stress.    I have had some interesting health issues the past year.    My body was close to going into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.   I had almost every symptoms of being very low on serotonin.   I didn't understand what was happening to me and went to many doctor appointments and even thought it could be MS.   Thankfully it wasn't.   One day I went back to my regular doctor and was praying to get correct answers....that is when I was warned that if I didn't do something to help my body now I would be heading into a worse state.    So I followed the doctors suggestions and took the meds she gave me.   I felt she was right and I felt this was the answer.   Why am I sharing this with you????   Well I want you to be aware of your body.   Stress from all the issues of building a family (when family building is more than difficult) wears on emotions, finances, marriages etc etc   but overtime (even if you aren't doing fertility treatments) the stress can wear your body down.   I never understood what stress really does to a body....but I truly get the picture now!   Even now.....months later and feeling a million times better I have to watch my stress level, my sleep numbers have to be good and I have to treat myself with kindness or I can feel it in my body.

I think I have ignored my body's needs over the years....maybe out of anger for it not working as I once wanted it to.....maybe because I was so focused on adoption that I forgot to check in with my body.   I don't really know why.....but I do know that I want to be well for a long time so I can take care of my little family and enjoy them as long as possible.   Putting my Faith and Family first means taking care of me too! 

Infertility is hard in every way.   Adoption is rewarding but not without its difficulties and tough issues.   Loss hurts our soul and hearts....and it eats at our bodies in ways we probably never will understand completely.

Be kind to yourself, think positive, feed your mind and heart with positive thoughts, feed your soul living water and don't forget to feed and care for your physical self.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Really??? More Reproductive Issues?

Wow it has been months since I have written on this blog.  Sorry...been so busy with my new little guy.  I kept thinking of a few things I wanted to post but didn't get it done.   I didn't mean to abandon my little blog.  :)

Today I got some results from my RE office.   I went in for a fun annual exam and asked about a little lump in my stomach.  He felt it was nothing to worry about.   But today I didn't get news about the lump....I found out I have fibroid tumors on the uterus and a fun cyst on my ovary.   It feels like the reproductive problems never stop even after you have healed from the pain of infertility and moved forward in your life.   My body is still battle the ravaging PCOS.   Today it feels unfair....I had a few moments of a pity party for myself and then remembered there are people suffering from c
ancer and horrible effects from accidents, diseases, and abuse.   I have nothing to complain about.   I am nervous but I will try to think positive and continue in Faith that all will be well with my body.    At this point it wouldn't hurt my feelings too much if they said it was ok to take it all out.   I say that and yet I think I would feel a sense of loss for a bit...I did when they removed one of my ovaries.

I know I am rambling....I just wanted to get some thoughts out and kind of talk to someone today.  
Thanks for listening!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

This Womans Work

I am a fan of Kevin Bacon.  I enjoy watching most of his movies.  But there is one that has been hard to watch since I discovered my infertility.  Even now with not much pain left from infertility I choose not to watch.   It is like that feeling of going into the hospital room to congratulate a family member after they give birth.  The hopsital was always the hardest part for me.   I sometimes wondered why I put myself through it.  I think it was partly because I didn't want to appear weak and then partly because I was excited about the baby too.  But it was the hardest part of other peoples pregancies for me!  I longed for that hospital experience...I longed for Brad to see how amazing I was...and to be congratulated on a "job well done".  

I realize today that this woman...meaning ME... has her own kind of work.   I may not be partnering with God to create bodies for His Spirit children but I am entrusted to love His children....all of His children including my children's birth parents.  I am called to do work that is a little different yet just as valuable.   Brad may not say "job well done" (although he does with some of my adoption projects) but I have felt that the Lord is pleased with what I am doing...I feel that I am filling the measure of my creation.   I KNOW I was meant to do and be who I am.   There is great peace is this knowledge.  I am so thankful to understand just how the Lord knows the end from the begining and my trials and blessings have been custom designed...tailor made for this woman.