Coping with a Failed Placement

In December 1999, a year after being approved for adoption, my husband and I received the news we had been praying for… a birth mother had chosen us to be the parents of her one-month-old baby girl. We did what any excited expecting couple would do…we announced the news to our family and then went shopping. We were to pick up this little baby in two days. We were told that the birth mother felt strongly about her decision and had received spiritual confirmation that it was right, so we were surprised to learn the placement was on hold while she struggled to gain family support. After six weeks of being told: “W e feel this will still happen,“ we learned that the birth mother had decided to parent. We didn‘t blame her for this decision, and we hoped for the best for her and her baby. We picked ourselves up and sadly moved forward. We just felt numb during the first few days, but as time went on, the pain became stronger until we felt as if all were lost. Mornings were especially difficult. The desire to do anything but lie in bed forever was practically non-existent. Seeing pregnant women and witnessing blessings at church were more painful than before. There were times when I would walk into the nursery, take out the baby clothes we had purchased, and rocked them to my chest as I sobbed. One night I thought I heard a baby crying. I felt so alone, so hopeless, and I wondered if I was going crazy. No one seemed to understand what we were going through, and people said all the wrong things. They seemed to think It as nothing. Finally at some point a person (actually a worker at LDS Family Services…not our own worker)validated my pain by letting me know that what I was feeling was similar to what a woman would feel if she had miscarried. I received another gift when the Lord blessed me with a dream that renewed my hope. I hung on to that hope as If it were a life preserver. It came at the darkest time of my life, and it helped me survive. In May 2002 my sister delivered her only baby girl…stillborn. It was one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Diane went home with lots of material about what to expect in the grieving process, and because I was one of her primary caretakers, I read the information. Not only did I learn about what my sister might be going through, but I also realized that if any-one could be there for her, it was me. All of the things mothers feel after losing a baby were what I had felt when the placement didn‘t happen back in 1999. This experience brought a new understanding and comfort to me. In July 2000 my husband and I had our first baby girl placed in our arms. It was a miraculous day! I have never felt so much joy and gratitude. Then, in October 2002, our second daughter was placed with us, and we felt like we held the world in our hands. The pain of our infertility and adoption loss made the joy of parenthood that much sweeter. In August2006we again faced a failed placement. After working with our birth mother for her entire pregnancy, she chose to parent. But this time I was armed with the knowledge of what to expect, and I knew that, just as before, the Lord would help us as we tried to pickup the pieces. We also had a worker who cared about us and called to see what she could do. These things made this loss easier to bear, and we truly felt that the Lord was carrying our pain for a time. I didn‘t feel the full impact of the loss for almost a year…but by then, the Lord had brought understanding to my heart, and I was able to bear it better. The following year, we were able to adopt our son, Camden, who has added so much joy to our family. Couples, if you have experienced a failed placement, you are not alone in your loss. Many of us have felt the pain, anger, and hopelessness you feel. If your worker is not reaching out to you, then reach out to them, your FSA board, or anyone else who will listen. Let your bishop know about your loss; let people in your ward and family help you. They may not fully understand, but many will want to help. If you are currently hoping that a birth mother will choose you, consider preparing a plan for what should happen if you ever suffer a failed placement/adoption. If you need someone to take over and call your bishop for you, that is OK. Let your worker be the one to call. Share your plan with your worker and your bishop, and let them be part of it. If you would rather be left alone, share that as well. I am thankful to say that while my husband and I have suffered through much loss, we have actually gained from those losses. We have gained greater empathy, greater compassion for anyone who is grieving over the loss of a child (including birth mothers),and a greater love for our Savior and our three incredible children. Grief is a difficult journey, but we can be blessed with comfort and help as we travel.
Written By: Brenda Horrocks
Published in FSA National Newsletter Spring 2008

Fear VS Love

I have been realizing lately how blessed I am to be infertile. If I would have given birth to my children I would have missed out on so many experiences, so much joy and I wouldn't have the cherished relationships I have with so many! I never knew I could ever feel this good about something that once hurt so deeply. I am so grateful for what the Lord has done with me and for me! Where there was pain there is healing, where there was confusion and the endless "Why?" is now a greater understanding of my own mission in life. Where there was once fear...now there is Love! My counselor (Lani Taholo) who helped me prepare for our Saviors healing once taught me that "fear and love cannot co-exist". I pondered on her words and read many talks about Charity (I especially love the ones by Elder Neil A. Maxwell) and my heart began to understand just a little bit. I hope someday I understand it all...how it all works. But I do know this...if we ask the Lord to take the fear and bless us with Charity we will never be the same again!

All that has gone on over the past 14 years has prepared me for today...for Mothering my children, our children's Birth Parents, for those who are in need or who are in pain and along with many others it has prepared me for my newest title..."Foster Mom".

Over the past 2 years I have finally caught on to how this whole life experience works....I think I finally "get it"! We are not here to pass through life in bliss...but rather to see if we can find the bliss and share it with others as we pass through our life. Enduring it well to me means finding personal meaning in the "dark places" of my life and then there is light....and His healing.

Continuing in my thirtysomething life.

Well my big plan failed!
Turning thirty five was suppose to mean I had graduated from
"family building" and be on the path to pure "family enjoying".
But the Lord had another plan.
You would think I would have remembered I am not the only one planning my life....but NO when I made my plans (years ago) for birthday #35 I didn't realize then what I realize now
The Lords plans are ALWAYS better than my own!!!
He knows how to plan a life that will pack in the
greatest joys,
sweetest smiles, funniest moments
and
most exciting rides!
So I realize now that there are many gifts to be unwrapped...my job right now is just to trust!

So here's to new adventures!
Now.... where is my Harry Potter cake?

Growing out of despair...

"My Heart’s Garden"
I liken my heart unto a garden. In my garden was planted a seed called Desire. As I continually worked on my Desire I watched for it to grow but nothing happened. Weeds called Pain & Frustration entered into my garden....I wondered why I was given desire if it was not to produce? Over time a bigger weed called Hopelessness began to take over my garden. I struggled to overcome the pain, frustration and hopelessness. I felt so alone in my garden! I cried out to the Master Gardner for help!
As I asked for help I began to see the soil of my garden was becoming increasingly soft. The Son was sharing its warmth and I started to feel a new seed being planted. This seed was very delicate and needed a soft place to grow....it is called Faith. My seed of Faith began to grow slowly and as it grew I began to feel hope for my garden. I still felt pain from my first seed but I began to have understanding. My Faith continued to grow as I looked at the Son.
After years of working and growing I look and see a beautiful garden.....my Heart’s Garden! I see now that the seed that caused so much pain in the beginning helped my soil become soft and it was the soft soil that gave my Faith a tender place to grow.
From my seed of Faith grew love, understanding, hope, more faith, knowledge, testimony, compassion, joy, happiness and charity! Maybe someday my other seed will begin to grow but regardless if it does or doesn’t my garden is a masterpiece, a blessing, a miracle and a gift! Through my Heart’s Garden I have come to understand more fully promises given to Abraham and his seed. I especially have a deeper understanding of my Gardner and what He did for me in His Garden......called Gethsemane!

Written by:
Brenda Horrocks
2004

If you could see my feelings...

This is kind of hard to see. The bottom reads "These Words....discounted my pain as nothing, treated my journey as less than desirable, showed no compassion for my heartache and robbed me from having joy in the moment. I may add to them from time to time but here they are out in the open now... no longer to dwell on and circle about creating a hurtful web in my emotional mind."

I drew this out shortly after starting counseling. This is how I felt my thought process was when I finally understood I was stuck in my infertility grief. I am so grateful that my mind and my feelings are whole and at peace today. If these were said to me now I would have something to say back to help teach the person. But back then it went in like a knife and I didn't know what to say.

To be expected...but still hurt.

I remember feeling very relieved when I finally wrote these items out on paper. I am sure others could make their own lists. I am glad to be able to look back at this and know I don't feel the same pain from it today.

***************************
Things people do and say that is sometimes to be expected but still hurt!
- Grandparents showing me pictures of how much their other grandchildren look like them.
- Framing those "look alike" pictures and putting them out for all to see.
- Not acknowledging our Birth Parents and their selflessness and grief.
- Only acknowledging the Birth Families and forgetting that we have real feelings and pains we are trying to deal with as well.
- Treating giving birth as the most special way to receive children.
- Telling me how to deal with our Birth Families.
- Not acknowledging the role and hard work we endured to help bring our children home.
- Not acknowledging Heavenly Father in our miracles.
- Going on endlessly about how well so and so did during their labor and delivery, how well pain was tolerated, how "some women are made to give birth and others aren’t".
- Treating the issue of being very fertile as if it is as hard to deal with as being infertile.
- Treating me like I can’t handle any pregnancy news just because I am struggling with my own infertility.


Brenda S. Horrocks
2003/2004

Words from Pain.

I start this post off by sharing one of my most favorite poems written by President Spencer W. Kimball. I do this to help anyone who reads the rest of the post understand that my writings were written during alot of pain. I hope by my sharing it helps another woman like me.

Pain
Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me any more."
I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way."
And paused there, startled as the look he wore,
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher---all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise,
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song---
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written By,
Spencer W. Kimball

*************************

A Letter to All Fertile Women

I have a few thoughts to share with you that come from deep inside my heart. These feelings come from years of heartache and pain.....a grief or feeling of loss that I never knew could hurt so much. These feelings are not easy for me to deal with so I imagine they won’t be easy for you to read. As you read these words just remember they don’t come from a hateful place. I am so happy for you....that you do not have infertility as your trial in life and I realize you have your own burdens to bear. My reason for writing this letter is to help clear my mind and heart of some grief and in the process I hope it helps you, the reader, have some understanding of an infertile woman’s experience.

Dear Fertile Friend,
Did you know how wonderful it is to be able to be pregnant? What an exciting time.... to discover you have a precious life growing inside of you! Sometimes as I listen to you talk about your first weeks of pregnancy I wonder if you realize how wonderful pregnancy is. Did you know how wonderful it is to be able to be sick for 3 months?? Did you know that women like me would love to experience your illness??

Did you pay extra close attention to the first wiggles of your baby? Did it imprint upon your mind as a lasting precious memory? Did you know that women like me long to feel that tiny ripple?

As your body changes and your tummy gets bigger are you complaining about getting fat, feeling uncomfortable and ready to get it over with? Are you so busy comparing size of bellies with your “friends” that you don’t notice how fast your baby is growing? Did you know that women like me look at your pronounced belly and dream of what it would be like? Did you know that your belly becomes a reminder of what cannot be for us? As you work for attention by complaining about all your woes did you know our hearts are aching and when you aren’t looking we are wiping tears from our cheeks and trying to understand why?

As you are cheered on through delivery and as everyone is at awe of your birthing skills did you know we put on a happy face to wish you well and congratulate you? Did you know that it takes all our courage plus help from above to not run from your hospital room in tears? And yet as we are concentrating on being courageous and trying to just get through the moment we are looking all around us and seeing you experience something that we never can. We feel empty and sad as we see the babies in the nursery and see your little wrist bands that have matching information so all will know that your baby is just that....Yours....the emptiness grows and the longing to have the experience increases.

As you hold your baby for the first time and kiss her do you truly know how blessed you are? Women like me know! We long and ache to have what you have just experienced! You know you are expecting when you get a “+” sign. You know your baby is alive as you feel movement. You are the first to feel, smell, love, hold and kiss your infant and you are able to nourish her from your own body! No one questions you on your motherhood....they saw your physical experience therefore you are deemed a “Real Mother”. Family and friends anxiously ask you how you are doing and are there to celebrate in your “announcement of gender”. At Christmas time your unborn gift is given their own stocking to be hung up with the rest of the family’s. You are treated gently by your husband who is eager to rub your feet or bring dinner to you. You are given a tender “Thank you” after you delivered your precious baby.....and your loving husband gets to brag about his strong and valiant wife.

Women like me don’t get to have any of these experiences....so next time you feel like telling us we have it the “easy way” remember....You don’t know women like me!


Written from the heart,
Brenda S. Horrocks
2003

Understanding...a progression.

Someday I might add on to this. After each of our first two adoptions we went back to treatment. Each time no pregnancy occurred and with the very last cycle I could have died. I learned a great deal during that last cycle...I think I will add to this but for now here it is.

A Worry:
No period again this month. Nothing to show I am a woman. I worry about the future. Will someone want to marry me if I can’t have children? My Mom tries to comfort my fears by saying "You can always adopt!"
A Glimpse:
Dr. Langeland gave me my exam and we talked about my fertility. "Can I get pregnant?" The answer gave some relief....but also a glimpse of what was ahead. "I think you can get pregnant....but you will need some help doing it."
Reality:
Dr. Langeland raised my dose of clomid to quadruple. A little help is turning into a lot of help. My emotions are spent...my body is gaining weight by the day and I am feeling lost and alone. We make an appointment with Dr. Hatasaka an R.E. We take time to regroup. We hope this doctor can help us. Hope is rekindled!
A Diagnosis:
We are adding a steriod to our quadruple dose of clomid. Dr. Hatasaka thinks that will help. We have finally received a diagnosis....PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I finally have a name for my lack of being a woman! I finally have something to blame other than myself! That brings some peace. We move forward with temperature charts, ovulation kits and sex on demand. It just has to work!
Realization:
The day I saw my ovaries...

Brenda S. Horrocks
8-9/2003

The day I saw my ovaries.....
All 50 cysts cemented on each ovary like a brick wall! A wall that had no door, no window, no escape!
My eggs...my hopes & dreams are all held prisoner...why have they been given this sentence? Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I pondered over and over again.
My whole lower abdomen was so painful every move was felt but nothing...nothing could compare to the pain in my heart...the pain in my mind....it felt so sad......so sad!
When I saw my ovaries I cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. "Is this a hopeless cause?" I felt myself coming to the realization of infertility.
I knew Brad felt sad for me and probably for him too. He told me that I didn’t have to do this anymore. I felt so ready to break...but I fought it. I have to be a mother....somehow!
Something happened in my heart that day.....something wonderful started brewing only I didn’t know it then. The feeling, the desire....the dream began to change....a new hope started to swell. Although the dream was in it’s infancy...my longing to be a mother was overriding my desire to be pregnant!

Brenda S. Horrocks
8/2003

Giving Up?

I wrote this to express my feelings about our journey to adoption. So often people believe Adoption is only a "plan b" and by stopping treatment we are "giving up". We were directed to adoption....the proof is in the picture.

Adoption is where our dreams came true!

My Dreams.....
So many people think that when an infertile couple stops treatment and looks to adoption to create their family they have given up their dreams and are moving on. I didn’t give up my dream...I did all I could do to make my dream a reality then I took it to my Heavenly Father who showed me more options. I knew He loved me and wanted me to have joy and happiness so I gave my dream to Him and asked for Him to help me.

My loving Father took my dream and worked it, molded it and blessed it as it grew into the most beautiful loving reality I could never have dreamt of on my own! Many parts of my dream are still coming true and as each piece fits neatly into it’s place I am forever thankful I trusted my Father enough to place my dreams with Him!

I have struggled with much pain and grief as my heart was being worked on and molded. I felt many painful feelings....until I thought I would break! But my Heavenly Father was there the entire time....blessing me with strength and helping me endure, increasing my knowledge of His love for me...of Charity and all the while my heart was growing.

My dream...my reality...my heart loves more because I trusted Him! I didn’t give my dream up....I placed it in the loving hands of my Father and He did more with my dream and more with me than I could ever have done myself!

Brenda S. Horrocks
Written: 2003/2004