Infertility is an interesting trial.
For a few years now I have had great peace concerning my infertility. I know my heart has been healed. What I didn't realize was that there would be a new experience with infertility that I must face...one I once thought would be a huge relief.
I had no idea how I would feel when it was time to close the door on family building.
I figured Spencer was my last baby so I have spent hours holding him, snuggling him, smelling him and just soaking in all his babyness. I guess I thought if I did an extra amount of baby loving I would be ok to be done with infant hood. I was so wrong on so many levels! I have loved mothering babies....I mean really loved it! I have had the incredible privilege of mother 6 infants.....4 of my own and 2 foster babies. Three of those infants I mothered within 18 month period. My body has some lasting effects from taking care of newborns for 2 years straight with only 1 to 2 months break in between. To do another newborn would probably be extremely difficult on my body and yet there are moments I long to hold another infant and mother them.
Brad shared with me a few months ago that he feels our family is complete. Brad has prayed about it and gone to the Temple and feels really good about this decision. I don't feel so sure. But I haven't done the work Brad has for an answer. However this week I am feeling like Brad is correct and our family is complete. I have made the decision to not renew our foster license. I have gone to the Lord in prayer on this matter and so far I feel peaceful about it. I see the wisdom in "being done". I often think I wish I wasn't 37....I wish I was younger and could physically handle a couple more infants. If only I could have had my first child come to my arms earlier......if only. But then I remember the Lord has a plan for me and my family. His ways are not my ways and His ways are much better than mine. So as I face this new experience I am going to rely on my testimony that the Lord is in the control and will guide my steps. I know He will help me close this door and He will bring peace once again to my heart.
I am counting on it.
For a few years now I have had great peace concerning my infertility. I know my heart has been healed. What I didn't realize was that there would be a new experience with infertility that I must face...one I once thought would be a huge relief.
I had no idea how I would feel when it was time to close the door on family building.
I figured Spencer was my last baby so I have spent hours holding him, snuggling him, smelling him and just soaking in all his babyness. I guess I thought if I did an extra amount of baby loving I would be ok to be done with infant hood. I was so wrong on so many levels! I have loved mothering babies....I mean really loved it! I have had the incredible privilege of mother 6 infants.....4 of my own and 2 foster babies. Three of those infants I mothered within 18 month period. My body has some lasting effects from taking care of newborns for 2 years straight with only 1 to 2 months break in between. To do another newborn would probably be extremely difficult on my body and yet there are moments I long to hold another infant and mother them.
Brad shared with me a few months ago that he feels our family is complete. Brad has prayed about it and gone to the Temple and feels really good about this decision. I don't feel so sure. But I haven't done the work Brad has for an answer. However this week I am feeling like Brad is correct and our family is complete. I have made the decision to not renew our foster license. I have gone to the Lord in prayer on this matter and so far I feel peaceful about it. I see the wisdom in "being done". I often think I wish I wasn't 37....I wish I was younger and could physically handle a couple more infants. If only I could have had my first child come to my arms earlier......if only. But then I remember the Lord has a plan for me and my family. His ways are not my ways and His ways are much better than mine. So as I face this new experience I am going to rely on my testimony that the Lord is in the control and will guide my steps. I know He will help me close this door and He will bring peace once again to my heart.
I am counting on it.
