Coping with a Failed Placement

In December 1999, a year after being approved for adoption, my husband and I received the news we had been praying for… a birth mother had chosen us to be the parents of her one-month-old baby girl. We did what any excited expecting couple would do…we announced the news to our family and then went shopping. We were to pick up this little baby in two days. We were told that the birth mother felt strongly about her decision and had received spiritual confirmation that it was right, so we were surprised to learn the placement was on hold while she struggled to gain family support. After six weeks of being told: “W e feel this will still happen,“ we learned that the birth mother had decided to parent. We didn‘t blame her for this decision, and we hoped for the best for her and her baby. We picked ourselves up and sadly moved forward. We just felt numb during the first few days, but as time went on, the pain became stronger until we felt as if all were lost. Mornings were especially difficult. The desire to do anything but lie in bed forever was practically non-existent. Seeing pregnant women and witnessing blessings at church were more painful than before. There were times when I would walk into the nursery, take out the baby clothes we had purchased, and rocked them to my chest as I sobbed. One night I thought I heard a baby crying. I felt so alone, so hopeless, and I wondered if I was going crazy. No one seemed to understand what we were going through, and people said all the wrong things. They seemed to think It as nothing. Finally at some point a person (actually a worker at LDS Family Services…not our own worker)validated my pain by letting me know that what I was feeling was similar to what a woman would feel if she had miscarried. I received another gift when the Lord blessed me with a dream that renewed my hope. I hung on to that hope as If it were a life preserver. It came at the darkest time of my life, and it helped me survive. In May 2002 my sister delivered her only baby girl…stillborn. It was one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Diane went home with lots of material about what to expect in the grieving process, and because I was one of her primary caretakers, I read the information. Not only did I learn about what my sister might be going through, but I also realized that if any-one could be there for her, it was me. All of the things mothers feel after losing a baby were what I had felt when the placement didn‘t happen back in 1999. This experience brought a new understanding and comfort to me. In July 2000 my husband and I had our first baby girl placed in our arms. It was a miraculous day! I have never felt so much joy and gratitude. Then, in October 2002, our second daughter was placed with us, and we felt like we held the world in our hands. The pain of our infertility and adoption loss made the joy of parenthood that much sweeter. In August2006we again faced a failed placement. After working with our birth mother for her entire pregnancy, she chose to parent. But this time I was armed with the knowledge of what to expect, and I knew that, just as before, the Lord would help us as we tried to pickup the pieces. We also had a worker who cared about us and called to see what she could do. These things made this loss easier to bear, and we truly felt that the Lord was carrying our pain for a time. I didn‘t feel the full impact of the loss for almost a year…but by then, the Lord had brought understanding to my heart, and I was able to bear it better. The following year, we were able to adopt our son, Camden, who has added so much joy to our family. Couples, if you have experienced a failed placement, you are not alone in your loss. Many of us have felt the pain, anger, and hopelessness you feel. If your worker is not reaching out to you, then reach out to them, your FSA board, or anyone else who will listen. Let your bishop know about your loss; let people in your ward and family help you. They may not fully understand, but many will want to help. If you are currently hoping that a birth mother will choose you, consider preparing a plan for what should happen if you ever suffer a failed placement/adoption. If you need someone to take over and call your bishop for you, that is OK. Let your worker be the one to call. Share your plan with your worker and your bishop, and let them be part of it. If you would rather be left alone, share that as well. I am thankful to say that while my husband and I have suffered through much loss, we have actually gained from those losses. We have gained greater empathy, greater compassion for anyone who is grieving over the loss of a child (including birth mothers),and a greater love for our Savior and our three incredible children. Grief is a difficult journey, but we can be blessed with comfort and help as we travel.
Written By: Brenda Horrocks
Published in FSA National Newsletter Spring 2008

Loss

I hate loss.
I feel it today..Baby A. will be leaving us soon
I don't know how to do this.

Service

Tonight as I listened to General Women's Conference President Uchtdorf quoted President Hinckley saying: "Work will cure your grief. Lose yourself in Service."

I thought of FSA and how serving has helped me..especially the past 5 years we have served as a couple. I can literally see what FSA has done for me. I can see the Lord hand in every part of it and I can't believe how much I have grown. I still have so much growing to do but I am forever thankful for the healing the Lord has blessed me with.

Service has blessed me beyond what I understood it could!

Fear VS Love

I have been realizing lately how blessed I am to be infertile. If I would have given birth to my children I would have missed out on so many experiences, so much joy and I wouldn't have the cherished relationships I have with so many! I never knew I could ever feel this good about something that once hurt so deeply. I am so grateful for what the Lord has done with me and for me! Where there was pain there is healing, where there was confusion and the endless "Why?" is now a greater understanding of my own mission in life. Where there was once fear...now there is Love! My counselor (Lani Taholo) who helped me prepare for our Saviors healing once taught me that "fear and love cannot co-exist". I pondered on her words and read many talks about Charity (I especially love the ones by Elder Neil A. Maxwell) and my heart began to understand just a little bit. I hope someday I understand it all...how it all works. But I do know this...if we ask the Lord to take the fear and bless us with Charity we will never be the same again!

All that has gone on over the past 14 years has prepared me for today...for Mothering my children, our children's Birth Parents, for those who are in need or who are in pain and along with many others it has prepared me for my newest title..."Foster Mom".

Over the past 2 years I have finally caught on to how this whole life experience works....I think I finally "get it"! We are not here to pass through life in bliss...but rather to see if we can find the bliss and share it with others as we pass through our life. Enduring it well to me means finding personal meaning in the "dark places" of my life and then there is light....and His healing.

Continuing in my thirtysomething life.

Well my big plan failed!
Turning thirty five was suppose to mean I had graduated from
"family building" and be on the path to pure "family enjoying".
But the Lord had another plan.
You would think I would have remembered I am not the only one planning my life....but NO when I made my plans (years ago) for birthday #35 I didn't realize then what I realize now
The Lords plans are ALWAYS better than my own!!!
He knows how to plan a life that will pack in the
greatest joys,
sweetest smiles, funniest moments
and
most exciting rides!
So I realize now that there are many gifts to be unwrapped...my job right now is just to trust!

So here's to new adventures!
Now.... where is my Harry Potter cake?

Feeling Vunerable

I started with this blog being open to the public. But after some nasty comments I changed the address a bit and made it private. The whole "angry adoptee" comments really surprised me. I couldn't understand why anyone would take what I have said in such a negative way. But as we think about what adoption does and who it helps we can see that adoption is something the adversary doesn't want people to understand. Missinformation and negative myths that are spread online about adoption become just another tool for the adversary to use. I am planning to keep this private just because it contains such personal feelings....but this whole expereince has made me even more sure that my voice, along with your voice needs to be heard in society. Adoption IS a loving option!

Triggers?

I was creating a playlist for this blog and came across a song that I always loved. I clicked on it to play it and the flood of feelings came back to me. I realized this song is a trigger...it triggers those feelings of longing for the birth experience. It is amazing how music can bring up emotions that have been dealt with long ago. Even though I am not grieving the birth experience anymore...I can remember every feeling and thought. This song is called "This Woman's Work". It is in the movie "She's Having a Baby".
Another trigger I have is going in to see friends/family who have recently given birth. Seeing the nursery at the hospital and all the flowers and the smiling faces of everyone who is congratulating the parents. While I am always very happy and excited about the new baby and happy for our family and friends....it also always reminds me what I didn't get to do with my husband. This trigger has gotten much easier the past 3 years.
What triggers do you have?