The Good News about the Bad Shape.

Over the summer I was told I had fibroid tumors and a large cyst on my only ovary I have left.   I thought we were looking at a complete hysterectomy.   A few weeks ago I got some  great news.....what the radiologist saw was normal.  At least normal for me.   My uterus is misshaped...it is like a heart rather than an upside down triangle.   So when the radiologist thought he saw fibroids he was really looking at the "normal" me (if there is such a think).    I don't have a large cyst on my ovary...rather my ovary is large which is completely normal for a woman with PCOS like me.   So the great news is that I don't have to have surgery because the bad shape of things are just part of being Brenda with PCOS.   Gotta love seeing on a screen just how messed up you are but know that it is the kinda of messed up that is normal.  

LOL 

 There is something wrong with that isn't there????

Speaking of bad shape....for those who understand pcos you understand the weight battle.  I seem to be losing that battle right now but I haven't given up hope!   I am heavier than I have ever been in my whole life but I know I can change this part of me.  I will never be a super model, miss (err I mean Mrs) America and I will probably never see my old size 5 again but I can be healthier and feel more comfortable in my own skin.   I am starting a new "segment" (or whatever you wish to call it) to my Small Adventures blog.   It will be every Tuesday and will be called "I Count".   If you are working your way back to health I hope you will come and visit every Tuesday so we can support one another.

The great thing about being me right now is that I like me...even in this frumpy self....I am happy!

Caring for our physical self.

In 2005 I sought out mental/emotional help.   I was completely stuck in grief...grief over being infertile and all that entails, grief over failed placements, stress over making sure I am giving all I can to my family and my children's Birth Parents, stress about keeping relationships healthy, grief over stupid things people say and just feeling so broken, alone and un=womanly.    In short...I was a complete mess and there was one day that my spirit helped me understand that what I was feeling wasn't normal....it had gone past normal.   I made the call to start the ball rolling to get help at a local LDS Family Services.   A few days later I met an incredible social worker named  Lani Taholo.   She is amazing!    I saw her for 12 sessions and went home and did homework and it changed my life.    I grew stronger emotionally and felt better than I had in a long long time.  Actually I believe I became a new ME.    The effects on my life still show today....I am a different person completely.    I am thankful for that.

What I didn't know then but do know now is that while I took care of myself emotionally I didn't understand that physically I needed attention too.   I am talking general health....vitamins, exercise and reducing stress.    I have had some interesting health issues the past year.    My body was close to going into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.   I had almost every symptoms of being very low on serotonin.   I didn't understand what was happening to me and went to many doctor appointments and even thought it could be MS.   Thankfully it wasn't.   One day I went back to my regular doctor and was praying to get correct answers....that is when I was warned that if I didn't do something to help my body now I would be heading into a worse state.    So I followed the doctors suggestions and took the meds she gave me.   I felt she was right and I felt this was the answer.   Why am I sharing this with you????   Well I want you to be aware of your body.   Stress from all the issues of building a family (when family building is more than difficult) wears on emotions, finances, marriages etc etc   but overtime (even if you aren't doing fertility treatments) the stress can wear your body down.   I never understood what stress really does to a body....but I truly get the picture now!   Even now.....months later and feeling a million times better I have to watch my stress level, my sleep numbers have to be good and I have to treat myself with kindness or I can feel it in my body.

I think I have ignored my body's needs over the years....maybe out of anger for it not working as I once wanted it to.....maybe because I was so focused on adoption that I forgot to check in with my body.   I don't really know why.....but I do know that I want to be well for a long time so I can take care of my little family and enjoy them as long as possible.   Putting my Faith and Family first means taking care of me too! 

Infertility is hard in every way.   Adoption is rewarding but not without its difficulties and tough issues.   Loss hurts our soul and hearts....and it eats at our bodies in ways we probably never will understand completely.

Be kind to yourself, think positive, feed your mind and heart with positive thoughts, feed your soul living water and don't forget to feed and care for your physical self.

Really??? More Reproductive Issues?

Wow it has been months since I have written on this blog.  Sorry...been so busy with my new little guy.  I kept thinking of a few things I wanted to post but didn't get it done.   I didn't mean to abandon my little blog.  :)

Today I got some results from my RE office.   I went in for a fun annual exam and asked about a little lump in my stomach.  He felt it was nothing to worry about.   But today I didn't get news about the lump....I found out I have fibroid tumors on the uterus and a fun cyst on my ovary.   It feels like the reproductive problems never stop even after you have healed from the pain of infertility and moved forward in your life.   My body is still battle the ravaging PCOS.   Today it feels unfair....I had a few moments of a pity party for myself and then remembered there are people suffering from c
ancer and horrible effects from accidents, diseases, and abuse.   I have nothing to complain about.   I am nervous but I will try to think positive and continue in Faith that all will be well with my body.    At this point it wouldn't hurt my feelings too much if they said it was ok to take it all out.   I say that and yet I think I would feel a sense of loss for a bit...I did when they removed one of my ovaries.

I know I am rambling....I just wanted to get some thoughts out and kind of talk to someone today.  
Thanks for listening!

This Womans Work

MIA

I have been neglecting this blog.
I dont' know if everyone who visits this blog also visits my other blog so I thought I should share why I have been MIA.

On August 11th we had a brand new baby boy placed with us. He was placed with us by DCFS....but we get to adopt him. He spent a few weeks in the nicu but is now home and doing well. I will post pictures when I am allowed too.

This blog might be quiet for a bit but I am still around.

Blog Award

I am so excited.....Edens Flower Garden gave I AM a blog award!
I have never gotten a blog award so this is exciting for me and made my day. :)
Eden's Flower Garden is a craft blog with some really fun and smart ideas!
If you have little girls (or big girls) in your life be sure to take a peek at this incredibly cute and clever idea for bows.
Thank You for the Award Meka!
Here are the rules:

1. Put the award on your blog.

2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Nominate 6 or more blogs

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

I want to give this award to:
1. therhouse for promoting adoption so beautifully and for helping me promote waiting children every Monday.
2. Where the Wild Things Are for making me laugh, smile or cry on a regular basis and I LOVE the quote she has on the right side of her blog.
One of my favorite posts on her blog is this one....still makes me laugh!
3. The Missing Piece for her honest posts about life as a foster parent. I learn alot by reading about her experiences.
4. Musings of an Evil Social Worker for sharing what it is like to be a social worker. Helps me remember to cut social workers some slack. :)
5. Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences for promoting foster care and adoption.
6. Donnie & Me Plus 3! for making me smile. I love their pictures and blog layout and just really enjoy visiting it!
7. Because I Can't Have Babies for educating others about infertility. Savannah has got some great posts and Youtube clips ...take a peek!

What infertility took.

Today as I was browsing through friends facebook photos and keeping up with what is happening in their lives I realized something infertility took from me.....it took TIME. So much focus into family building....so much pain to work through.....it all took time away from enjoying life, education, goals that I could have made and met....it changed the way my life would be in the future.

We are still family building....still doing what we can and feel directed to do to add another child to our family. A great deal of energy goes into fostering and our roles in FSA. I don't regret any of what we have been through....or what I have learned and I am incredibly grateful for the growth that has occurred the past 11 years. I just wish I could have known what I know now so I could have planned better. But I realize there is no way I could have known. I was blessed to get through it like I did...intact and stronger. But today I realized infertility has left its mark in very unsuspecting places.