Understanding...a progression.

Someday I might add on to this. After each of our first two adoptions we went back to treatment. Each time no pregnancy occurred and with the very last cycle I could have died. I learned a great deal during that last cycle...I think I will add to this but for now here it is.

A Worry:
No period again this month. Nothing to show I am a woman. I worry about the future. Will someone want to marry me if I can’t have children? My Mom tries to comfort my fears by saying "You can always adopt!"
A Glimpse:
Dr. Langeland gave me my exam and we talked about my fertility. "Can I get pregnant?" The answer gave some relief....but also a glimpse of what was ahead. "I think you can get pregnant....but you will need some help doing it."
Reality:
Dr. Langeland raised my dose of clomid to quadruple. A little help is turning into a lot of help. My emotions are spent...my body is gaining weight by the day and I am feeling lost and alone. We make an appointment with Dr. Hatasaka an R.E. We take time to regroup. We hope this doctor can help us. Hope is rekindled!
A Diagnosis:
We are adding a steriod to our quadruple dose of clomid. Dr. Hatasaka thinks that will help. We have finally received a diagnosis....PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I finally have a name for my lack of being a woman! I finally have something to blame other than myself! That brings some peace. We move forward with temperature charts, ovulation kits and sex on demand. It just has to work!
Realization:
The day I saw my ovaries...

Brenda S. Horrocks
8-9/2003

The day I saw my ovaries.....
All 50 cysts cemented on each ovary like a brick wall! A wall that had no door, no window, no escape!
My eggs...my hopes & dreams are all held prisoner...why have they been given this sentence? Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I pondered over and over again.
My whole lower abdomen was so painful every move was felt but nothing...nothing could compare to the pain in my heart...the pain in my mind....it felt so sad......so sad!
When I saw my ovaries I cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. "Is this a hopeless cause?" I felt myself coming to the realization of infertility.
I knew Brad felt sad for me and probably for him too. He told me that I didn’t have to do this anymore. I felt so ready to break...but I fought it. I have to be a mother....somehow!
Something happened in my heart that day.....something wonderful started brewing only I didn’t know it then. The feeling, the desire....the dream began to change....a new hope started to swell. Although the dream was in it’s infancy...my longing to be a mother was overriding my desire to be pregnant!

Brenda S. Horrocks
8/2003